I'm Back

After a worldwide tour of promoting exceptional parking, I'm back with some more dumb humans...and their cars.

This in Colorado Springs via a covert staff member of Timespassenger.  Not to be bothered by spending 3 seconds to park within the diagonal spaces, this fella pulls straight in perpendicular to the provided lines and even appears to be a bit on the sidewalk...

I snapped this at work on my walk at lunch (yes, I work in an eastern block toxic plant).  This is a superb example of visualization.  The owner visualizes he has an expensive luxury car, when in reality it's a 23 year old piece of crap, and parks cock-eyed to avoid door dings.

Been a While but the Parking Gods are Strong

So, over the last year I've snapped photos of parked cars here and there but never got around to posting them. I took the following and felt it needed publication.

This dope is a prime candidate for one of those charming large set of anatomically correct balls that some hillbilly invented to adorn the trailer hitch of vehicles like this one. We're at the grocery store here; the owner is likely one of those shoppers who leaves his cart cockeyed in the middle of a narrow aisle while deciding between Fritos and Doritos.

White Lines? Where?

White Lines? Where?
Tim Long

Under urgings from overworked friends needing something to do in their offices while their bosses in their ill-fitting Belk Store suits drone on about office synergies and paper usage, I'm putting together this little collection of goodies...

To begin with the benign, here we have the apartment resident with out of state plates, after living here a year. He parks here numerous times a day/week/month, so you assume he would get it right eventually. I guess not, but he's from New York, so I'll cut him slack for not having it all upstairs to begin with. That, and his girlfriend (or whatever she is) always seems to get out of the passenger seat in her pajamas and a 40 oz malt liquor. Now I just feel sorry for him, and think he did a great job parking under the circumstances. heh, heh, heh.



Anyone who knows me knows what I think of people who drive Hummers. The great thing about Hummers is that I don't need to comment on them often because they are so ridiculous, that they sort of speak for themselves. I could never be friends with someone who owns one. I can barely talk to a Hummer owner and keep a straight face. So, when I saw this dope picking up laundry, parked on the cross-marks and halfway in a handi spot, I felt like walking up to him and telling him that I work for US News and World Report and I was doing a story on the gas prices in the US, and that my angle was the gluttony of tools like himself were the second leading cause of this crisis (mis-speculation being the first). Then I'd laugh, tell him I'm joking, and smack him in the forehead.


"Hey, Champ, don't mind that baby stroller on the sidewalk." This nice maneuver I found at my favorite watering hole. Looks like this guy watered his hole beforehand. Granted, this small lot is often full, but the sad part is that there's a full lot next to it (where I parked before snapping this shot). So, I surmise this person is stupid AND lazy.




Whoa Big Blue! Though I didn't see this driver, I imagine he is one of those 17 year olds who live in Myers Park (a wealthy neighborhood in Charlotte, NC). You know what I mean; the ones with mom and dad's old SUV and one of those comb down haircuts that make them look like penis heads (literally).



Yeah, not much to do with parking, but I thought I'd include it anyway. I had the fortune of finally going to an emergency medical center with a five day straight fever. It's the first time I've been to the Dr. since, well, over a decade, due mostly by my dislike and frustration with the US's health care system and insurance mafia. Sitting on the cracked plastic table awaiting my angel to write a prescription I was a bit surprized at the scarcity of supplies in the room. I think I saw a bug on the wall too. Wonder what he had.

Weird, Wild, and Just Plain Dense

Weird, Wild, and Just Plain Dense
Tim Long

It's been far too long since my last entry, and I've witnessed and captured so many good scenes of bad parking, ridiculous vehicles, and many other odd things that happen every day, that my phone was full of photos. Alas, when I sent them all to my email, only four made it to their destination. So, there are six or seven great, silly photos floating around in some data line, waiting to be found.

Luckily, the four that made it through are wonderful and leave me full-of-wonder.

I'm not sure where to begin, so we'll just start with the most common parking faux pas I see....
The "heavy nose" parking maneuver. A lot is going on in this photo that only a trained eye (and socially twisted mind) can appreciate. For starters, we have the "synchronized stop". This is seen most commonly in parking spaces and at red lights, where one challenged individual has pulled too far into a spot or over the crosswalk at a light, and an equally challenged car pilot forsakes rules, painted lines, and even pedestrians to pull even with the already offending vehicle. This guy gets bonus points for driving a 1981 Honda wagon, a rare and coveted vehicle (if you're a garage sale shopping hermit with 17 cats).


This next gem was given to me by my friend, Audra. I usually only use my own original images (since anyone could google search similar photos, but that's boring and shallow). However, this is good for numerous reasons with the main ones being that it's funny looking, and there's a good story behind it. It seems Aud and some girlfriends went to a very crowded restaurant/bar while traveling and were forced to park in this spot, which was surrounded by other vehicles in similar situations (or so I was told). Well, after ten cocktails and a couple hours of appetizers, the ladies walked out to an empty lot, save for their off-road chariot. Nice job!


For this next genius, I could go on and on about manhood, insecurities, cranial capacity, IQ sufferings, and just plain bad taste, but I think the image speaks loud and clear...

I'M A LITTLE MAN WHO SITS ON A PHONE BOOK TO DRIVE.

This last (and best, in my opinion) photo was taken at our group run (our running club). Now, I witness handicap spaces being misused every day by people who don't appear to need them, other than being lazy and stupid. But this is classic. This one is definitely not lazy or stupid, but absent minded a little?...well, maybe. The irony, of course, is that she's healthy, active, and actually dressed and ready to go for a run (not to mention the handicap sign is as big as a highway billboard). I should work for National Geographic.

Parking Lot Bonanza

Parking Lot Bonanza
Tim Long

Just when my hope for catching some good photos of bad parking before this weekend was waning, I went out last night and found a gift (many, actually) from the bad parking gods all in one lot.


That's my little white truck parked next to this poor fella. For me to park within the white lines, I would have had to be within 1 centimeter of his car. He's either 1. drunk before he got to the bar. 2. chubby enough to need the extra room to get out of the driver's seat. 3. blind.

Whoa mama! She (I saw the driver, and, yes, she is female) squeezed that big boat into its spot, though not so straight, nor all the way in. There was about 5 feet between the megatundra and the back of the parking spot. The thing could seat a small island tribe, but she drove it there by herself. Hope she enjoyed her dinner, because it must have cost her $30 in gas to get there.

Hmm. While walking an acquaintance out of the restaurant, we approached her car. I planned to be polite and spare her the indignity of being on my blog, but she insisted I take this photo. I've notice that people seem proud of their lack of parking ability (and it's startling). Thank goodness there isn't much need for parallel parking in Charlotte. There wouldn't be enough server space to hold all the photos...

Here we have an incredibly rare image that I was able to capture after nearly dropping my phone in the excitement and rush of adrenaline at the opportunity of spotting such an amazing scene...the "Trifecta" (three mis-parked cars in a row). The guy in the SUV manages the skillful "equator" (splitting two spots down the middle). What goes through people's minds when they get out of their cars, look back at them, and keep walking? "Wow, I'm a really bad parker."

Now I can enjoy my weekend. I'll be heading up to VA, so maybe I'll catch some images of how "northerners" navigate parking lots.

White Line Wonders

White Line Wonders
Tim Long

Thank goodness for digital cameras. If I had to develop all the shots I take of half-witted driving and parking maneuvers, I'd be poor. I would like to get a dash-mounted camera for the action shots of dopes driving. I quit road cycling for the sole reason that I'm scared of the way people drive now. Cell phones, texting, music selecting, taking photos, no one seems to drive as the primary function while in the car anymore. I saw a guy spin his truck off the highway entrance ramp and into the ditch the other day. There was not another car near him.

Here my theory of human herding instincts is captured. One guy parks ridiculously, so another guy pulls up next to him and manages the "quatro" by taking up four spots. Why? Maybe I'm odd (okay, I'm odd, that's established), but I couldn't imagine wanting to park my vehicle like this.

Here we have the rare night shot. this is one of those dudes who picked himself up an old Mercedes with 400 million miles on it, and thinks he's something special because he's driving a car that costs $60k....two decades ago. He buys his dress shirts at Walmart for $12, then spends $20 a month getting it dry cleaned.


"It's the shopping carts! Oh my god, the carts!" If you'll notice, there are plenty of spots open. Why would you 1. park next to stray shopping carts? and 2. pull a near quatro trying to avoid them? Is that his assigned spot? If I owned a tow truck, it would be a blast to move this car to another spot (parked correctly). Knowing which town this shot was taken, the owner would likely believe aliens moved it.

Unfortunately, I take all these shots with my phone, so the details in this photo will need narration to enable proper understanding, entertainment, and appreciation.

First, where are we going with those tires? I would guess he lives on a remote farm and has to navigate a long, rugged, muddy, mountainous driveway to get home, though, considering the vehicle is spotless, it's doubtful. As we move to the roof, there are the following items: A red emergency mountain shovel, an ice mountain climbing axe, and some other weird tools I've never seen before (and I have actually climbed mountains). Also on the roof are 5 billion watt spot lights, just in case his head lights both burn out at the same time.

I was confused (as I always am) why there's a very heavy duty winch on the front of this lovely, and useful, vehicle. I could tell by the shiny hook on the end of the winch cable that it had never been deployed, and thus, never used. There's also a 12 ton gage steel battering ram protecting the grill. The whole package is topped off with a SCUBA diving sticker on the side window. When people put diving stickers on their vehicles, it tells me that they have the basic certification and have, at most, 3 dives under their weight belt. I can say this because I have numerous advanced SCUBA certifications with nearly 200 dives to my credit. I do not have a sticker on my car.

Fun little group of photos. I'm looking forward to warmer weather with sunny days and leafs on trees. These shots all seem to be taken on rainy days, and are a little gloomy, but funny non the less.

Please feel free to send me photos that you personally take of anything that illustrates that we have numerous rungs to go on the ladder of evolution as humans.
footfeathers@gmail.com

End of March Parking Specials

End of March Parking Specials
Tim Long

With spring approaching it's difficult to pay attention to the white lines in parking lots. In my new hobby I've found it difficult to go one day without spotting a parking faux pas.

Here we have the, "My car is the most important thing in the world to me. My kids wear dirty, tattered clothes, but my (cheap) car is so important that I use four parking spaces to hold its hulking mass." This guy trims his nose hairs daily. I'm not even going to comment on the semi truck parked in the background taking up 28 spaces.

Here the multiple dents in the doors say it all. This lady's been in so many accidents that she backs WAY back into spots just to keep the front bumper from getting ripped off. Of course the back bumper was riddled with dents and pock marks worse than a greasy teenager's face.


This is a friend's vehicle. I snapped this hasty shot when I went over to her house. Her reply when I showed it to her? "Looks perfect to me." 'Wow', is about all I can say. Move to Florida.

Another little occurrence in the warming weeks, is the growing numbers of exotic cars. Ok, the Porsche isn't exactly exotic, but it is when it's owned by a guy who's annual salary won't cover the entire cost of the car. I've seen numerous Ferraris, a bunch of new Porsches, and even a couple of Lamborghinis. It seems that I always see them sitting in traffic on city streets burning more fuel in two blocks than most people use all week. It's always aging men wearing ugly (but expensive) sunglasses driving them.

Send in your photos to footfeathers@gmail.com

Mental Anguish & More Parking

Mental Anguish & More Parking
Tim Long

We had a scary rain storm late yesterday afternoon. I swore after the last time I was caught in traffic on the way to a meeting when it started raining and the highway traffic slowed to (no shit) 25mph. But, alas, I was already on Park Rd. when the rain began. I think people here assume their tires are made out of glass, because they immediately...

...apply the brakes. I miss driving up north where you'd slow to 60mph if there were blizzard conditions with 12" of snow falling per hour.

This pic is blurry because everyone decided to SLAM on their brakes. No traffic lights, no intersection, no one turning, just brakes for the hell of it...


Oh, and here's another great parking job. I like to align people's parking habits with their personality traits. This lady's parking job screams, "I'm pushy and nosy, and I will pry into your personal life."

I'm having a great time snapping photos of morons with cars. It's so easy! People probably think I'm some sort of insurance adjuster.

Happy driving, and if you're scared of driving in the rain, please, by all means, stay off the roads.