Sunday, June 5, 2011

Melange des Idiots

Finally, at the haranguing of friends (JV), I'm posting the latest installment of dumb human parking (and other dumb human things).  Hope you enjoy wading through the pool of dopes.  I mean, really, how do some folks make it through life.  [note to self: teach JV how to re-size photos before emailing... my hosting server imploded and is now a growing black hole due to the size of his photos]

Yeah, I've caught this dude on film before (it's at work; note the nuclear fallout contamination-looking structures).  I like this image with the juxtaposition of the Benz in the background.  I wonder what this person is trying to accomplish by parking like this every day.  Door ding evasion?  The car is 25 years old for God sake!

These popped up in the men's rooms at work recently.  The FBI is going to come after you for flushing a hand towel?

Work lot again.  This car freaks me out on a couple of levels.  1. how can this Frankenstein's monster made out of five different cars be safe on the road?  2. If one is going to assemble a "custom" vehicle out of other cars, why make it look like this?  You should see it in real life.

This is what I call the "let's be friends" parking job - just nudging over the line a little to say, "hey, little motorcycle, what's your name?

This was our rental car when I went to Utah for a race.  I had to ride around in it for the whole weekend wearing the only jacket I had with me.  It was special.

The infamous heavy nose maneuver (notice he's also way off to the side too, thus managing the "quad space occupancy").  I normally avoid jokers who park like this but I had to park nose to nose with him in hopes that he may recognize what a moron he is.

These three gems of the van were sent to me by my friend, JV.  He has twins in a big stroller  and obviously couldn't get by this oblivious driver's parking job, so he did what any productive member of society would do: snap some photos and send them to his buddy to make fun of the "special" person.

Damn, just another two feet and he'd be on the grass - how cool would that be?!

Handicap.  Indeed.

Monday, March 7, 2011

I'm Back

After a worldwide tour of promoting exceptional parking, I'm back with some more dumb humans...and their cars.

This in Colorado Springs via a covert staff member of Timespassenger.  Not to be bothered by spending 3 seconds to park within the diagonal spaces, this fella pulls straight in perpendicular to the provided lines and even appears to be a bit on the sidewalk...
I snapped this at work on my walk at lunch (yes, I work in an eastern block toxic plant).  This is a superb example of visualization.  The owner visualizes he has an expensive luxury car, when in reality it's a 23 year old piece of crap, and parks cock-eyed to avoid door dings.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Been a While but the Parking Gods are Strong

So, over the last year I've snapped photos of parked cars here and there but never got around to posting them. I took the following and felt it needed publication.

This dope is a prime candidate for one of those charming large set of anatomically correct balls that some hillbilly invented to adorn the trailer hitch of vehicles like this one. We're at the grocery store here; the owner is likely one of those shoppers who leaves his cart cockeyed in the middle of a narrow aisle while deciding between Fritos and Doritos.

Sunday, November 30, 2008


So, since moving to Colorado I must say the opportunity to capture idiots in cars and inane parking jobs is much more rare compared to the Southeast. I may have to pick up a new topic. I'm beginning to find humor in the activism I see here on a current basis. Not as much in Denver, but in Boulder, oh yeah. Just about every day I see great political bumper stickers or some sort of busy intersection signage and people displaying their beliefs and desires; everything from "Bush is a traitor" to "Cow poop is the energy of the future". I hope the last one doesn't catch on. Burning cow poop in a fireplace doesn't really set the same mood.

Anyhow, I simply have been re-assessing the peculiarities of my new area and will begin exploiting those soon, just like I did with the outrageous driving, parking and vehicle selection in the South.

Careful what you do in public. Someone may see you.
-Time's Passenger

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

White Lines? Where?

White Lines? Where?
Tim Long

Under urgings from overworked friends needing something to do in their offices while their bosses in their ill-fitting Belk Store suits drone on about office synergies and paper usage, I'm putting together this little collection of goodies...

To begin with the benign, here we have the apartment resident with out of state plates, after living here a year. He parks here numerous times a day/week/month, so you assume he would get it right eventually. I guess not, but he's from New York, so I'll cut him slack for not having it all upstairs to begin with. That, and his girlfriend (or whatever she is) always seems to get out of the passenger seat in her pajamas and a 40 oz malt liquor. Now I just feel sorry for him, and think he did a great job parking under the circumstances. heh, heh, heh.

Anyone who knows me knows what I think of people who drive Hummers. The great thing about Hummers is that I don't need to comment on them often because they are so ridiculous, that they sort of speak for themselves. I could never be friends with someone who owns one. I can barely talk to a Hummer owner and keep a straight face. So, when I saw this dope picking up laundry, parked on the cross-marks and halfway in a handi spot, I felt like walking up to him and telling him that I work for US News and World Report and I was doing a story on the gas prices in the US, and that my angle was the gluttony of tools like himself were the second leading cause of this crisis (mis-speculation being the first). Then I'd laugh, tell him I'm joking, and smack him in the forehead.

"Hey, Champ, don't mind that baby stroller on the sidewalk." This nice maneuver I found at my favorite watering hole. Looks like this guy watered his hole beforehand. Granted, this small lot is often full, but the sad part is that there's a full lot next to it (where I parked before snapping this shot). So, I surmise this person is stupid AND lazy.

Whoa Big Blue! Though I didn't see this driver, I imagine he is one of those 17 year olds who live in Myers Park (a wealthy neighborhood in Charlotte, NC). You know what I mean; the ones with mom and dad's old SUV and one of those comb down haircuts that make them look like penis heads (literally).

Yeah, not much to do with parking, but I thought I'd include it anyway. I had the fortune of finally going to an emergency medical center with a five day straight fever. It's the first time I've been to the Dr. since, well, over a decade, due mostly by my dislike and frustration with the US's health care system and insurance mafia. Sitting on the cracked plastic table awaiting my angel to write a prescription I was a bit surprized at the scarcity of supplies in the room. I think I saw a bug on the wall too. Wonder what he had.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Weird, Wild, and Just Plain Dense

Weird, Wild, and Just Plain Dense
Tim Long

It's been far too long since my last entry, and I've witnessed and captured so many good scenes of bad parking, ridiculous vehicles, and many other odd things that happen every day, that my phone was full of photos. Alas, when I sent them all to my email, only four made it to their destination. So, there are six or seven great, silly photos floating around in some data line, waiting to be found.

Luckily, the four that made it through are wonderful and leave me full-of-wonder.

I'm not sure where to begin, so we'll just start with the most common parking faux pas I see....
The "heavy nose" parking maneuver. A lot is going on in this photo that only a trained eye (and socially twisted mind) can appreciate. For starters, we have the "synchronized stop". This is seen most commonly in parking spaces and at red lights, where one challenged individual has pulled too far into a spot or over the crosswalk at a light, and an equally challenged car pilot forsakes rules, painted lines, and even pedestrians to pull even with the already offending vehicle. This guy gets bonus points for driving a 1981 Honda wagon, a rare and coveted vehicle (if you're a garage sale shopping hermit with 17 cats).

This next gem was given to me by my friend, Audra. I usually only use my own original images (since anyone could google search similar photos, but that's boring and shallow). However, this is good for numerous reasons with the main ones being that it's funny looking, and there's a good story behind it. It seems Aud and some girlfriends went to a very crowded restaurant/bar while traveling and were forced to park in this spot, which was surrounded by other vehicles in similar situations (or so I was told). Well, after ten cocktails and a couple hours of appetizers, the ladies walked out to an empty lot, save for their off-road chariot. Nice job!

For this next genius, I could go on and on about manhood, insecurities, cranial capacity, IQ sufferings, and just plain bad taste, but I think the image speaks loud and clear...

This last (and best, in my opinion) photo was taken at our group run (our running club). Now, I witness handicap spaces being misused every day by people who don't appear to need them, other than being lazy and stupid. But this is classic. This one is definitely not lazy or stupid, but absent minded a little?...well, maybe. The irony, of course, is that she's healthy, active, and actually dressed and ready to go for a run (not to mention the handicap sign is as big as a highway billboard). I should work for National Geographic.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Parking Lot Bonanza

Parking Lot Bonanza
Tim Long

Just when my hope for catching some good photos of bad parking before this weekend was waning, I went out last night and found a gift (many, actually) from the bad parking gods all in one lot.

That's my little white truck parked next to this poor fella. For me to park within the white lines, I would have had to be within 1 centimeter of his car. He's either 1. drunk before he got to the bar. 2. chubby enough to need the extra room to get out of the driver's seat. 3. blind.

Whoa mama! She (I saw the driver, and, yes, she is female) squeezed that big boat into its spot, though not so straight, nor all the way in. There was about 5 feet between the megatundra and the back of the parking spot. The thing could seat a small island tribe, but she drove it there by herself. Hope she enjoyed her dinner, because it must have cost her $30 in gas to get there.

Hmm. While walking an acquaintance out of the restaurant, we approached her car. I planned to be polite and spare her the indignity of being on my blog, but she insisted I take this photo. I've notice that people seem proud of their lack of parking ability (and it's startling). Thank goodness there isn't much need for parallel parking in Charlotte. There wouldn't be enough server space to hold all the photos...

Here we have an incredibly rare image that I was able to capture after nearly dropping my phone in the excitement and rush of adrenaline at the opportunity of spotting such an amazing scene...the "Trifecta" (three mis-parked cars in a row). The guy in the SUV manages the skillful "equator" (splitting two spots down the middle). What goes through people's minds when they get out of their cars, look back at them, and keep walking? "Wow, I'm a really bad parker."

Now I can enjoy my weekend. I'll be heading up to VA, so maybe I'll catch some images of how "northerners" navigate parking lots.